Of My Moleskine Notebook

Watch out everyone. Five years of pent-up shit coming through your way.

ON WRITING

I am afraid to write.

It’s taken me a long time to actually say this out. But I am inexplicably hesitant in writing a post on my blog, or my own journal; a speech; and I even leave my english literature essays done at the very last minute.

I don’t exactly know when this annoying fear took hold of me. I keep telling myself; there is no point whatsoever in waiting another ten minutes to put down a sentence; or even a point in rewriting the last one five times.

I won’t actually call it being a perfectionist. But I don’t think it’s pure lazyness either. It’s just fear. Fear of seeming maladroit, or not hitting the spot. Fear of inferiority on paper.

I look at the other students in my english literature class and I feel nothing but a weird sort of lame envy and wonder. They just write. Raging through grammatical errors or simple blase answers; they just write and they don’t fear.

Same with certain blogs I’ve come across of peers my age. They write about the most banal of things, take pictures of things that are of no big a deal; but the fact that they do it : It Actually Works.

The only reason that I can get halfway through this post without deleting it first because I’ve made myself promise to write it without having to care about how the language sounds, or trying to be PC about it. I’m just telling myself : write and move on. Because if I don’t I’ll keep deleting things and let my blog end up the way it had been for the past.. Three years?

Thing is, what am I supposed to write about? My political views? My musings on jasmine tea? (I think that is one phase I have gone through and bored absolutely everyone dear enough to be obligated to read this blog) Should I share my holidays and pictures and experiences? What? What I’m reading or listening to? Which I find useless because you all probably don’t care what I’m into, and most probably have heard of St.Vincent or Air or Bloc Party or whatever band it is I’ve blogged about before, and seen it around anyway.

Thing is, I AM VERY AFRAID OF SEEMING PRETENTIOUS.

Should I write about jet-setting musings on european airports? Just because I can? And even if I do will the lone reader to my blog find it pretentious? Or bragging-like?

Should I talk about fashion and style and how much fun it is going to an Asprey sale? Or should that be attention-seeking?

Should I talk about me me me me and my life? After all it is my blog and you guys are all my friends (and one lone uncle, Hello Pak Long!); but isn’t that… somewhat..self-centered?

Looking at other people’s blogs.. I envy your confidence in knowing what to disseminate. A friend posted up a picture of all gadgets she had acquired over the year, another friend goes on about what she likes and doesn’t like. Lynn can come on her blog and just spew out imaginative screenplays of her deflowering Tom Sturridge (or something like it) without a sweat. KinkyBlueFairy doesn’t have much to say, except that she just parties a lot. And gets paid for it.

Hell. I don’t know!

ON IMAGE

The same thing goes with attitude and self-projection. I remember when I was in Form 1 or 2, and I had a bunch of seniors who were not actually that good looking, had pretty normal lives, and your everyday basic taste in music. Their myspace page however could have implied that they shat roses and lived next door to Liam Gallagher.

One kid for example didn’t talk to you if you were not “cool enough” in his opinion, loooooved Oasis to death, wore normal clothes from Topshop or whatever, couldn’t hold a guitar yet pranced around like he was The Shit. Clothes were worn like they were from some rack by Hedi Slimane, swagger could have suggested he was in a band; and for some reason attracted every other tom dick and harry on myspace to go nuts.

Thing is, it was intimidating and made you feel inferior; eventhough you had a stack of NME mags beside your toilet back home and actually already went through the whole Oasis thing when your siblings were teens : Ten Years ago.

What that kid had was an inert sense of how to package himself to the world. He didn’t have the goods, but he had the branding. His only talent turned out not to be the ability to hold a tune or model a style; but a deep understanding of walking the walk. This self-affirming confidence is the only thing you need to make it far online.

I won’t point fingers but look at those “celebrity bloggers” or whatever people call them in our country. They write about things you and I already know and had owned/experienced/eaten at/done before; they take pictures that are sometimes blur/without composition/useless as hell- in a completely simple syntax; and devil may care state of mind. If they persist with it long enough, join a blog directory such as Petaling Street or Rice Blogs; are a bit hot or have a bit of a sense of humour; the next thing you know they’re endorsing some brand and have their own guest spot on KLUE. Hell; they could even win the MP seat in your area.

Thing is what sets these people apart from you and I is not the fact that they’re richer, more cultured, or smarter, or any better looking. The people on the list to my right are comprised of many intellectual afficianados of literature, film or folk music. Some like fashion, some like politics, some are incredibly jet set; but I can assure you they’re so much into and in touch with things than that Kid and KinkyBlue fairy and Kennysia all combined. What differentiates them writing about getting paid to attend a Guinness Party in London with all expenses free, and you writing about your short soujourn in Mayfair, is that they don’t ask themselves “So What?”. Their deep sense of self-affirmation makes them just blast their whole life online; not worrying about the possibility of seeming “pretentious”.

Same with the kid above. Because he acted like he was : The Shit; he subliminally convinced everyone else he was really. The Shit.

So it goes with Facebook and Myspace. What books do you like? Well a lot. Music? Hell, tonnes. Activities? Where do I start? I have friends who write in original accounts of their top 5; or a random collection of things they can think of at the top of their head. I also have friends who have Interests that would demand that you scroll down 2/3 of the page so you can read about how much they adoooore how easy it is to get daddy to buy them a new charm from Tiffany’s. Then of course, there’s that Limewire-fiend who thinks she’s La Shitte because she decided to list out a list of ALL the slightly obscure bands inside her iTunes; convinced that she ABSOLUTELY ADOOOOORES all of them. Eventhough she’s only ever heard one song.

Long story short; the matured, self-preserved and uncondescending who are afraid of seeming pretentious and a waste of space online do a web-blunder. If you want to be seen or heard, you gotta blast every bit of yourself out.

It’s image branding. What you disseminate is what people look at you as. This world is too fast and too shallow to want to get to know you for your “ideas”. They don’t want to learn about how nice of a person you are, or loyalty or intelligence or whatever self quality by getting to know you.

They look at the package. And if it gives them a good enough account; then you’re worth knowing.

If I were a sociologist; I’d call this the Cory Kennedy effect.

Darling, today you don’t need to be a frequent flyer, designer clothes, a trade, a talent or even contacts. Go online and market yourself well enough; and all those things above will come running after you.

Phew. Needed to get that out.