Of My Moleskine Notebook

As I was trying to fall asleep in bed only just 20 minutes ago my inarticulateness got to me and I couldn’t find certain word I needed to think of a sentence in my mind. I couldn’t find the word at all. I found all the phrases to describe the word but I couldn’t find the word itself.

The thing is, this isn’t one of those “it happens once in a while” thing. This is not the first time its happened and its not the first time I forgot that exact word. Around exactly this time last year I used to lie awake at night trying to find that word. I finally found it earlier this year.

The word is Persuade. The only words I could find to describe it is “coax”,”talk someone into”,”influence”, and “coerce”. After exasperatedly searching the thesauraus and half crying my sister finally told me the word I forgot and was looking for frantically is Persuade.

Now I’m looking for another word that other words in my head can describe as “mulling it over”, “appreciating”(like wine or a painting or poetry), and for some weird reason “memperihalkan” though its not the exact Malay word of the synonym of the English word I’m looking for. If anyone is reading this, please help me. I can’t sleep just thinking about it.
Last year it was relatively fine. I still had images of situations which words could be used, persuade having rough squigly outlines of teenage children asking their parents for something. Now everything is getting blurrier and day by day its getting harder and harder to even form a proper sentence.

I can’t even read normally. I find myself reading paragraphs again and again and again. I’m scared shitless, I really am. I know it may seem silly but seriously, thinking hard for five minutes to say things you can usually blurt out on impulse like a normal day to day question does sound serious doesn’t it?
Virginia Woolf’s suicide note came to mind when I’m trying to access the situation.

I feel absolutely certain I’m going mad.