Of My Moleskine Notebook

I lie awake in bed, with neither sleep or conscious dreaming lulling be back. For some reason the light is on and the room is quite warm to the extent that my face feels a bit sticky. My semi-conscious sister asks me to open the window, and does an exasperated grumble about the lights. So I wake up and turn them off, while slipping in to the kitchen to get myself some water.

Now I’m awake. I’m the lone awake person in this house. In this very tiny neighbourhood, in this part of the east, in the whole of the city. I’m the one solitary conscious person in the whole of London, except for the late nighters, the night shifters, the drunk and the jaded, the insomaniacs, the drinkers, the clubbers, the disturbed, the working few, and the praying ones too.

I have made the mistake of falling asleep a bit too early on tonight. I had eaten too much crisps and ice-cream not counting the heavy lunch I had earlier than that. I found myself getting a cardiac about 9 o’clock and fell asleep straight away in full clothing.

So now I’m awake. As everyone is asleep, only the blinking lights of the sky line keep me company. Only the faint glow from the Canary Wharf, the dark, unfathomable outline of the Gherkin, the bright orange lights from the other HSBC tower, and city banks. Only them, this laptop and the table lamp.

Only they are awake with me. On this sleepy autumn night.

I’ve been staring at this window for quite some time now. I’ve been trying to think of something to type out, as I know if I don’t type it now, then I never will. So all sorts of things crossed my mind. All the questions I ever wanted to discuss but don’t find it important enough.

Like for one thing, how much of our characteristics are genetic? Till how far are the sins of the father to be the burden of the son? Does it count to do good yet have yourself spitting in the inside? What is a divine cause? Is there a bad so evil, it is unforgivable? Is the conventional family something undo-able anymore? Why are there so many rape cases, incestous doings, divorces, cheating, infidelities in this age? Or am I starting to realise them? Is it evolution taking it’s toll on us? Why do I care?

Maybe one day I might find myself answering all these questions myself. Maybe I might wake up tomorrow morning and turn on the computer and answer them. Maybe I might realise the answers later in life when it doesnt matter anymore. Maybe baby, I don’t know.

Though just so you all might, or might not want to know. I shall be writing.

These are the days, where I find myself in a safe corner away from idleness, with much abated work load lessening and lessening each day. Here is the crossroad of the year, where time has passed too much for it to stop, and when a new beginning is so near for time to end.

Somehow or another, we all go through this phase sooner or later in our lives. This is when we finally start to come to terms with ourselves and our flaws, to spit out our regret and start a-new for the next cycle to come on by. Not to be confused with total self content, as that is a whole new stage altogether. But to talk about the first step, the hardest stride. The acceptance of the truth.

I do not mean this as a personal post, but as a brief not too directed study into this phase that we all go into. For as much as I observe my mental development, I have realised the same sparks of light flicker in the minds of my peers too.

One of the few things I have learnt (by books and experience of others, as my 14 years worth of experience has not left me contented yet) about trying to reach self actualization is that the main and most important thing about it is to accept yourself for your own self, your own mutations and strengths and just live with it. That however is easier said than done. Put yourself into a hut in the middle of the woods like Henry Thoreau and you probably might find peace in nature, and go on about how you have found your place in nature, but how can you go as far to do that without actually having an adverse effect on you before that?

How can you feel accepted in nature, or society for that matter, if you have not felt shunned away from it somehow? How can you stop yourself from being oblivious of your place in this world for when you came out into this world, your surroundings had always been like that in the first place?

It is a matter of opinion about how much we can learn about life from the experiences of others, but it is without doubt that the salt we taste ourselves is saltier than the empathy of tears we cry for another.

I have realised that for once I can feel belong into a group of people, of individuals that have nothing except for the being of nothing to do with each other, for no other reason than that of acceptance.

And as we accept, we start to accept to change our views, our preprogrammed minds, our goals and our dreams. We make real of our hopes. Whatever reality means anyway.

The whole point here is that these are the days. These are the days that we leave our oblivion. This is when we face facts that life is to be questioned, and seldom to be answered.

When I went to school this morning, and the mornings before this one, since the day of realisation, I have come to the conclusion that my peers and I are starting to accept. That we are preparing ourselves to grow, we are preparing the mental place for which we can feel as our own skin. After the last whiff of childhood had passed, we had already known it was time. It was time to grow.

And we’re on our way to that place where all trees grow towards. Believe me, we’re on our way towards the sky.

I find myself here, looking at the blogger window, actually finding myself BLOGGING after, what, four to five months of missing in action? I don’t know, I suddenly got this very nice urge to sit down and write again. Or maybe it’s just another subconscious way of procrastinating for my exams. Hmmm.

I’ve not written in an age, so please apologise for me Noodle Blogging as Edrei would call it. Ooh, and also apologise for my mad nonsensical way of writing now, I seriously don’t know where all the prose went.

I really have been idle in the internet area, in school, (and quite in the head mind you), and I seriously don’t know what happened to me. I can’t hardly remember what I did in the last four months, except for fragments here and there. I know that I went on a holiday for two weeks. But I seriously, don’t really remember what I learnt from that holiday. It’s completely mad, I’m telling you.

Well actually I do remember what I did, I’m not completely off my rocker, but I certainly don’t remember doing anything of substance.

The moment when I finally woke up and realised how messed up and idle I left my life to be was when having a phonecall with our school’s Interact Club’s ex-president. I was getting this weird panic attack right then on the phone and it nearly killed her.
Haha, I know that sounds so Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye, but I really do have a certain fondness for that book.

I think I have written about this before in my older, more tangled up, less straight to the point posts. But I seriously think I have this temporary burn out through the years. Call me a whacko but seriously. I see myself going through the exact emotional slump I went through last year, and it was about this time of the year.

I realise that I’m at my peak usually around the starting of the year, and really start going a bit blahh at mid year. This can usually be cured by having a holiday, like the one I had in standard six that left me in such a productive mood I actually had gotten an A in BM (how in the world did THAT happen?) and I made more graphics than I’ve ever done during that short span of one month.

It’s mad really, because the holiday I took mid this year just made me a bigger laze than ever. I probably spend 3/4 of my time daydreaming on something to write or whatnot, and end up forgetting about it. Which is mad, it nearly killed me.

I should start reading up on my revision, pass up the graphics to Peter before he really gets off his rocker, get my exams done and over with, then I shall make myself sit down and start back the life I had tried to start here. And I definitely need to change my blog layout.

Geez, this post is really mad.

Oh I realised one thing. My blog is really depressing. Even the wallpaper is peeling.