Have any of you ever thought of what you really are? Well, of course human but ever thought about your identity? About your life and it’s meaning? Well, when it comes to that topic, I am just as confused as I were years ago.
I still remember a year ago when I turned 12 and decided to find myself (oh reaaaallyy) and just get self actualized. 14 months down the road and I’m nowhere near that level. So it hits me, why?
Am I not sure of what I am, my strengths and what I want to do because I am hardly experienced enough to really know what I want? Or am I disillusioned by other influences that blind me into my pure form?
Either way, or both of them together, I really feel like a contradiction when it comes to that. Sometimes when I am idealistic, I paint my nails black, I try and act all artsy fartsy, or I dress up in boring work clothes and act like a Bloomberg fiend, yet sometimes, I just sit down in front of the tv, and forget it all, only to feel a sense of guilt for nothing describeable after Ed and his friends from stuckeyville leave me for next week.
But that’s just plain facetious isn’t it? No matter how I paint my nails or dress like a teenage corporate who attends Bursa Malaysia’s Evening Talks, thats just another pose I’m hiding behind and in the end, I’m nothing but another actor who acts out the lives of other people.
Life’s a stage, and men and women are merely actors – William Shakespeare.
Well, its along those lines.
And I quite agree with him, in the end, we’re doing everything for someone else, not ourselves. In the end, we don’t update our blog for ideas but for the sake of having to update for readers. Not that I am doing that, as far as I know, the only guy who actually follows my blog is a crazy Naruto Fan who uses Lord of The Rings soundtrack songs for his school presentations. But thats not the point.
I bet you have felt that way or something. Being pushed to do things you know you don’t want to. But then again, do you even know what you want? What you know fully that you want without having to think of the word YES in your mind? Have you?
A long time ago I was soo dead sure. Now? I have no idea whatsoever. Well so what, some may say? You’re young, you’re hormonal, you’ve got the rest of your life to figure that out. Why bother about it now?
Well my sis is back in KL, and we had a mind opening session as we talked about everything last Friday night. And she seems so sure about her life. And what she wants, and what she loves. Just like from another Jostein Gaarder book, she breathes her own philosophies and unlike Maria from The Solitaire Mystery, she found herself in Greece.
And me? I’m still battling with what I want to believe from Ustazs and Ustazahs and teachers in school. I’m still trying to get a voice. Still trying to be more assertive. And now, I think I am on hiatus on that trying part.
After spending years overseas, she said she feels like belongs there and it feels more like home because she is more accepted. She feels like despite being born here, she doesn’t agree with the mentality and just doesn’t fit in. But thats her point of view and I totally accept anything she wants to say. But that leaves me here. What do I feel?
I know for one thing that I don’t fit in my school. I don’t agree with our society on certain things, and I definitely want to get experience living overseas. But do I want to leave Malaysia entirely when I am older and cut off all my roots? Like my sister, do I want to steer into a home far away from where I called home and never look back?
Well no, because this is part of who I am in the end. But then how come I caught myself when pissed with the traffic and people, saying when I leave Subang I’m never coming back?
Is home a place where you accept & love and are accepted and loved eventhough in a foreign place? Is home is a place you originate from eventhough you sometimes suffer in? Well I made a search on Dictionary.com and here it is.
a.An environment offering security and happiness.
b.A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.
Talk about contradiction.
Well I’ve got to end this trivia someday. And to rest my thoughts about home for today, I guess the only home I’ve been in is this house of mine in Subang Jaya which I moved in 3 months after birth. And I guess, it will be, despite all the arguments and annoying things that happen everyday here, it is indeed, for now, my definition of home.
What I feel right now might not be the same things I feel in a few years. And in the end, I feel that all we want is to be contented. We may want to do this and do that, but why? Because in the end, we want to be contented. Am I right?